My Favorite Excerpt from the Book, "The Time Traverer's Third Cousin, Benny"

"We need a hook, though," the ad man stressed with gusto. "Something to really reel them in!"

"Yeah!" Feinberg whole-heartedly agreed, his hands doing most of his talking. "A real good gimmick!" His face brightened in revelation, and he turned to Benny, exclaiming, "Say! Isn't your cousin that famous Time Traveler?"

Benny knew exactly where that was leading, and he had to shut it down right away. His fury gathering into a sudden storm, he snapped, "Oh, no you don't! You're not dragging him into this! This is my deli, and I'll decide who -!"

He didn't have the chance to finish his tirade. Steinmetz quickly leaned in and with years of experience placating clients, he said, "Of course, Benny, of course! We wouldn't dream of going against your wishes for anything!",

"It's just that Time Travelers are in these days," Feinberg chimed in, pouring on the charm. "Everybody's talking about them! If we want to hitch your deli to that star, we have to strike while the iron's hot!"

"I don't want to hitch to any star!" Benny protested. "I just want to tell everyone about my prices!"

"Sure, Benny, sure!" Steinmetz cooed. "We'll do that! But first, you got to get them to listen!"

"Lots of places use celebrities to grab people's attention," Feinberg added. "Once you got it, then you tell them what you want them to know!"

"It's just advertising, Benny!" Steinmetz purred. "That's all!"

"So," Feinberg asked, leaning in uncomfortably close to the little man, "You think you could get him to do it?"

Benny'd had enough. These two were just like the rest, the only difference being that he actually needed these two. He glanced at them both, glaring hard; they looked exactly like every other autograph hound, panting for a signature. It was too much for the man.

"I'm not asking him to be in any commercial!" he exploded. Glaring at them square in the eyes, he demanded, "What happened to just talking about my meats?"

He knew right away it sounded wrong, but he didn't care. He was trying to make a point, not be politically correct. Steinmetz and Feinberg exchanged quick glances of their own and backed off.

"Okay, Benny, okay," Steinmetz calmly replied. "No need to get mad. We'll table that idea for another time, maybe."

"It's too bad, though," Feinberg lightly sighed. "Good celebrities are pretty expensive to get."

"I don't want celebrities, alright?" Benny snapped at Feinberg. "I don't need any! I just want a nice little commercial that I can be proud of!"

"And, we're doing the best we can for you, Benny," Steinmetz said soothingly. Turning to his partner, he said, "Ain't that right, Russel?"

"Absolutely, Hiram," Feinberg replied. To Benny, he added, "The very best! We're just spit-balling here, anyway! But," he said, heaving an exaggerated sigh, "It would be nice to not lose that Time Travel angle."

"'Time Travel angle'?" Benny repeated in perplexion. "What are you talking about?"

Steinmetz launched into the pitch as if they had either already rehearsed it, or they shared one brain. As usual, his hands did a lot of the presentation for him. "Picture this! A Time Traveler going through time to find the best prices on quality meats and knoshes throughout the universe! And the tag line is -!"

Benny really exploded. "What does that have to do with my deli?"

"It's got a lot to do with -!" Feinberg started to say, but Benny cut him off with a sharp gesture.

"All I want to do is talk about my deli," he told them both in no uncertain terms. "I want them to know everything is kosher and at reasonable prices! And that's it! No Time Travel, no hooey, and no cousin Vic!"

He couldn't stress the last three words enough, and he hoped the message got through. The ad men just stared at him for a little while, at a loss for words, then Steinmetz worked his jaw a little and said, "Of course, Benny. After all, it's your commercial, not ours. You should get to do what you want in your own commercial, after all, right, Russel?"

"Oh, right, Hiram," Feinberg whole-heartedly agreed. Then, in a serious tone, he asked Benny, "But how much do you want people to see your commercial?"

"What are you talking about?" Benny asked suspiciously, narrowing already beady eyes at the shuyster.

"Well, Benny," Steinmetz replied, scratching his head and shrugging, "The truth of advertising is, most people tune out the ads, these days. Or, they skip over them if they're online. If you don't want them to do that, and if you want to get them to listen, you got to do something to make them want to listen."

Benny was loathe to admit it, but the ad man was starting to make some sense. There was no use in talking about his deli if no one was going to listen. But he still didn't like where those two were steering him. And, there was no way Vic was going to take this away from him, too. Pointing a warning finger at them, he said, "Alright! Okay! Tell me what you have in mind, but I don't want my cousin involved!"

The ad men glanced at each other, then Feinberg said, "Well, it's a mistake to abandon the Time Travel angle, so I have an idea! We could dress you up in a Time Traveler costume and you could be sailing through time, see, with this green-screen background of the time vortex, and your line would be, 'I'm traveling through time to save you money!' What do you think?"

Benny stared, dumbfounded. Then, the brutally honest part of him took over and he said, "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of!"

"What?" Steinmetz protested, mostly with his hands. "It's cute! It's gimmicky! People will love it!"

"What does time travel have to do with giving people the best prices in town?" Benny demanded.

"It's a gimmick!" Feinberg echoed Steinmetz. "It doesn't have to mean anything! It's just supposed to stick in people's craw! Like the Gooey-Duck jingle!"

"I hate that thing!" Benny grumbled.

"But I bet you know the words!" Feinberg merrily pointed out.

"Look, Benny," Steinmetz purred soothingly, "We're only trying to help you. Do you want people to remember your place, or not?"

Benny glared at them both, stuck between decisions. On the one hand, he loathed their suggestions and wished, just wished, that he could get a simple, decent commercial that told everyone about his deli. On the other hand, though, he knew, hate it as he did, they were right. What good was a commercial if nobody watched it? They were the professionals, after all, not him. They knew what they were doing. But he had to draw the line somewhere.

"Alright!" he snapped at both of them. "Fine! But I'm not dressing up! And, no cousin Vic!"

"Sure, Benny, sure," Steinmetz assured him.

"...and I'm time travelling through time to find the best prices for -!" Benny intoned, the time travel outfit chafing in the wrong places as he flubbed the line for the thousandth time.

"CUT!" the director screamed, then stormed in Benny's direction, his attitude changing along the way as he reminded himself that the subject of his rage was both the client and the star. Forcing himself to cool off, the thin, ponytailed twenty-something patronizingly told the little plump man, "The line is: I'm traveling through time to find savings for you!' Got it?"

"That's what I said!" Benny angrily protested. It was only the same line he'd repeated over and over again for the past few hours, anyway. He was about to remind the kid to take the earpods out of his ears and listen next time, when he spotted his new nemesis entering the deli. He shifted in the harness to get a good growl at the man, nearly upsetting the light green screen right behind him.